Left Behind

The five of us sat perfectly still at the center of a human hurricane. The flurry of activity never touched us. How could it? We had already been set apart from the rest. Even our own families weren't allowed to see us. Not until the very last minute so we had no chance for second thoughts.

I looked to my left and Tammy sat stick-straight in her chair. Her brassy red curls flaming out around her head, staring off into space. LOL "SPACE". That shouldn't have been funny but it was. What she was staring at wasn't even close to SPACE.

Jennifer sat on my right. There were silent tears running down her cheeks. If her eyes had been open, I could have seen straight to her soul in the darkness behind her eyelids. Her dark brown hair was braided tightly to her waist. Was it even going to fit in the helmet? I was surprised they hadn't made her cut it even just a little. It was such a tiny thing to worry about but they say the devil is in the details.

Matt stood against the far wall of the trailer. He was leaning on it, with his arms folded across his chest and his ankles crossed. I guess he was trying to look cool. It was a tough crowd for that kind of show. We all knew better. His jet black hair that had been super long just a few days ago was now cut short and slicked back. Did he do that on his own? The shorter hair suited him better but I wasn't about to tell him that. He had a big enough ego as it was.

On the far end sat Shane. She was trying very hard to make herself smaller. She stayed hunched down in her chair with her shoulders nearly to her knees. Her tight bleach blonde curls stood out against her honeyed chocolate skin. Did she even know how beautiful she was?

As for me... what can I say? I'm taller than the others, I barely met the height requirements for the program. But I was well within the age and weight reqs. And I would assume that my blonde hair and blue eyes had something to do with why I was chosen.

We all came from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. We were brought in after extensive global testing. We all had scored off the charts in one field or another. It was the largest operation of its kind in human history. It involved more political cooperation than anyone had thought was humanly possible. We should be "proud" that we had been chosen. Huh, PROUD...of what though?

I reached over to tap Tammy on the arm. She jumped and turned to look at me with near panic in her green eyes. "Hey... hey, it's going to be ok." I tried to calm her down but I wasn't exactly feeling any less terrified myself. "We're going to get through this". She nodded weakly and went back to her staring.

I turned my attention back to the flurry of activity at the command desk. Ms. Adams was shuffling papers to keep from looking at any of us. Her quiet distance over the last couple of hours belied the dried tracks of tears she had somehow managed to keep hidden from us. They only showed in a certain light against her olivine skin. Her short black bob swung in to cover most of her face when she looked down at the desk, effectively hiding her cheeks. I left her to her ruse. Who was I to tell her not to cry? She was also the only one still wearing her suit jacket, even in the ridiculous heat of the unairconditioned military trailer. Maybe she refused to take her jacket off because it proved that she wasn't one of them, she wasn't military. She didn't hold any rank. Except that her security clearance level made her higher on the list than most of the multi-branch brass that was milling around outside the trailer.

I never really saw any of the other staff. They all seemed to be in a big hurry to do nothing. Rushing around in their suits and skirts, papers clutched against their chests, or sliding from clipboards. Like little worker bees in a much bigger hive. They all seemed so irrelevant compared to us.

Jennifer rubbed her hands across the black fleece leggings that fit close to her skin (the same ones we all wore) and stood up. I watched her walk the four paces to stand and look up at Matt. While 5'10" was the max height for the program, Jennifer had come in at a solid 5'5" making her a handspan shorter than Matt. He smiled down at something she said. Good, it was good that they could get along. They would need that very soon. We all would.

Shane took the opportunity Jennifer's absence afforded her and slid down the line of seats to lean on my right shoulder. I sighed and reached up to hold her left hand. Out of all of us, her being here made the least sense. She was physically within the parameters, and Gods know she was smart enough, but emotionally? She just seemed so fragile. But maybe being able to show her emotions freely made her somehow stronger than all of us. All I knew was that my need to protect her from all of it was more than a little strange. I never got attached to anybody.

My spot on the team was strictly due to the fact that I scored off the charts in leadership, organization, and abstract reasoning. My agricultural background was only a bonus note. Although, if you asked me, I would say it was more my "mama bear" attitude than anything academic that got me in this chair.

I looked down at the honey blonde curls beneath my chin. In any other situation, I would have already made my feelings known to Shane. But given the context of our current situation, those feelings would not be welcomed by the higher-ups and might get us both kicked out of the program. Would that be such a bad thing? The instinct to comfort her won for a moment and I kissed the top of her head without even thinking about it. To my surprise, she only pressed her temple harder against my shoulder. I squeezed her hand in response.

The door to the little trailer swung open, momentarily blinding us with the late afternoon sun. The director of operations strode up the steps and into the long room with a flurry of reporters and a full entourage of MPs. I instantly hated this man I'd never actually met before. This whole thing had been his idea. What in the nine billion names of divinity had made him think this up?

Director Sloan stopped in front of Ms. Adams and barked. He waved his hand and the flurry of bees stopped in their tracks. He puffed out his chest making the button of his jacket strain to keep it together, "Is everything on schedule?" His self-importance overshadowed everyone else in the room, even Matt.

"Yes, Director Sloan. We will be ready when the time comes." Ms. Adams stood up behind the desk. She shuffled her papers into a neat stack and slid them into a manilla folder. She handed the folder to the nearest worker bee and watched her slide around the director's entourage and out the door. No one stopped the intern as she went out. They didn't dare.

Sloan turned around to face us. The sight of all of the reporters mimicking him in unison caused Shane to sit up quickly and Tammy grabbed my left hand. Matt made eye contact with me, I nodded almost imperceptively. He pushed off from the wall and wrapped his arm around Jennifer's shoulders. They walked back the four paces and took up the small space between the back of my chair and me. Jennifer rested her hand on Shane's shoulder. That comforting touch was enough to make Shane relax just a little more. As long as we were touching each other, we were okay.

The five of us faced the wall of reporters, waiting for the tsunami of questions we knew were coming. Ms. Adams had made sure to train us for this part. It wasn't part of the official training manual, but she knew that there was no way around this. The world would want to see us. No, they would need to see us.

The questions started. They were coming so fast it was hard to follow them The flashes from the photographers made it impossible to see any faces to put with the voices. We did our best but the hour they had been allowed went by in a blur. When Director Sloan's goons ushered them all out, we all breathed out and slumped in our spots. At least that part was over. It wasn't the worst part though. The worst part would be coming soon.

"Okay team", Sloan's voice pulled us back. "This isn't over yet. I know you probably don't need a pep talk from me, but I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of all of you." He sighed and I swear he suddenly looked ten years older. "And I wanted to say thank you. I know this is rough, and I can't even begin to tell you that I know how you must be feeling right now. All that I can say is thank you. I thank you, hell, the whole world is thanking you right now, they just don't know it."

He ran his fingers through his salt and pepper gray hair. "What you kids have done, and are going to do... it means the future of the entire human race. That's a lot to put on your heads, and if there was any other way, well, we would've found a way to do it. But you were chosen because you are the best of us. You are smart, resourceful, and you have the resilience of youth. You can do this. I have every faith in you." He choked up on the last words. He started to say something else, stopped, and abruptly turned on his heels. He nearly knocked an intern down in his haste to leave the hot trailer. He rushed past Ms. Adams without another word and slammed the door behind him.

"Coward." She whispered under her breath as she came to stand in front of us. She was still fiddling with a pencil, absently rolling it between her fingers. She watched it turn in her hands for a minute. The green logo flashed up again and again, blurring in the tears she kept blinking away.

"Your families will be here in a minute. They are being shuttled here from the hotel. I wanted to take a minute to talk to you before they get here because I know I won't get another chance." She took a deep breath and rushed on," you have done all of the work here. I want you to know that. The adults can say all they want. They can take credit for whatever they want. None of it will matter in the end. But somebody needed to tell YOU that you are seen and that someone at least tried to understand what it really means for you to make this sacrifice. Because that is exactly what this is. Let's face it. You are living sacrifices." The tears started to slide silently down her face again, covering the old tracks with new ones. She choked back a sob and stood there shaking for a moment.

She shook her head and squared her shoulders. "It might sound like empty words like I am just parroting what he said, but the truth is, I AM very proud of all of you. You have behaved in a manner expected of humans far beyond your years." She stopped speaking and took the time to look each one of us in the eyes. Silently communicating that she meant every word she said. She did see us and she did understand.

"When you walk out that door, and you get on that shuttle, remember that you are special. You are here because you all had talents, intelligence, and downright guts, that the rest of us lack." She choked back another sob. "It has been a privilege working with all of you and I want you to know that I will be right here, hanging on every tiny bit of information you send back until my last breath."

It was all I could do not to stand up and hug her. But it was my job as captain to keep everyone on emotional level ground right now. I wasn't allowed to break down. So instead, I squeezed the hands of my teammates just a little bit harder. They squeezed back in response. The last three months had built a damned near symbiotic bond between us. The five of us could speak to each other without saying a word.

There was a knock on the trailer door. As Ms. Adams went to answer it, I felt something slide down the front of my bright yellow t-shirt. We all wore the same uniform. The yellow t-shirts had the International Space Initiative logo where a pocket would have been. The black fleece leggings and black long sleeve undershirts were sticky hot in the trailer but we would need the insulation in our compression suits on the trip to the Space Station.

What landed in my lap was a paper butterfly. I picked it up and held it in my hand. It was small, no bigger than the center of my palm. I looked over my shoulder at Matt. He smiled and pushed his hair back. He was still trying to be cool. I smiled back and shook my head. Being the only male on this trip had gone to his head. He didn't have to flirt with us. The four of us girls understood our assignment.

I watched my team as their families came in. One by one they were surrounded by parents, aunts, uncles, siblings... it was great to see after the three months of isolation.

I didn't have any family coming. My parents were dead. The car crash that had killed them two years ago had taken my unborn sister with them. My foster parents had no emotional investment worth coming to see me off. It was a lost paycheck to them. There would be more kids to take my place. I was good with it. I was used to it.

Shane took that moment to come and pull me from my chair. She nearly dragged me across the room to meet her family. Her mother smiled and hugged me. I was surprised to find myself hugging her right back. "Take good care of my baby." She whispered in my ear.

I pulled back to look her in the eye. "I will, I promise."There was a commotion in the back of the room. I turned to see Tammy screaming at her father and throwing things.

"I don't want to go, Daddy, please don't make me do this." She had tears streaming down her face. Her freckles had darkened against the red of her cheeks. She was losing it. I rushed over to her.

"Tammy!" I shook her shoulders as gently as I could. "You have to calm down. We don't have any choice." She collapsed to a shaking, sobbing mess in my arms. Her father just stood there. Silently staring at us.

He squared his shoulders and glared at her, "Tamara Ann Marie O'Hara! You will stand up straight right now. I didn't raise you to shirk your duty. " At his words, I could feel the shaking change. She was no longer crying. I knew what that meant. I released her and stepped back. Just in time for her to explode at her father.

"Go away! I don't want you here. If you want me to go, fine! I'll go, but tell mum that I'm glad I'm going because it means I don't have to follow your rules anymore." As soon as she said the words she crumpled to the floor.

I caught her up and held her again while she tried to wipe her tears away with the back of her hand. I looked at her father. The wind had gone from his sails. "I'll tell her. And it's ok kitten, I know you don't mean it." He turned around without another word and pushed through the crush of bodies to the door. One last look between them from the doorway and he was gone.

Tammy pushed away from me and went to sit back down. The line of her shoulders was a little bit straighter and the tears had finally stopped. I gave my attention back to the rest of the room.

Matt's family had already left. Their formal goodbye was to be expected. He came from a military family who was proud of him but there was no outward show of affection, even today. To break that rigid discipline would be seen as a serious breach. Not surprisingly, there had been no mention of his American mother. She was still persona non grata to his father's family. They'd even managed to pull strings and got her banned from coming. It sucked but there was nothing anybody could do about it. Matt was holding his emotions close to his vest as usual. Only his eyes betrayed the pain and hatred he had for his father as he once again leaned against the far wall near the door.

Jennifer was trying unsuccessfully to pull herself out of a pile of siblings and cousins. There was a lot of crying and laughing and adults talking over each other from that corner of the room. Spanish and English mixing in a near melodic symphony. You couldn't help but smile at the amount of love you could hear in it.

There was a small chorus of hushed voices coming from the chairs in front of Ms. Adam's desk. Shane and her family had created a semicircle and were holding hands as her father led them in quiet prayer. Ms. Adams Had taken up a spot behind them and bowed her head as well. The scene created a moment of calm, like the eye of the storm. I wish I could have joined them but faith in anything I couldn't see or touch had left me along with my family.

To pass the time while we waited for sunset, I walked over to the table at the opposite end of the room and started doodling with the paper and pencils that were scattered on it. Art seemed to be my only useful talent. I didn't consider being a "born leader" as a useful talent. Matt could've just as easily led this expedition. At least I would be able to send back digital copies of what we saw out there. They might be nothing but random starfields, but it might bring some kind of comfort to the rest of the teams' families.

This whole operation was a farce. There was no way we were ever coming back. No matter what they had told the teams' families. We knew better. It was going to take us years to reach our destination. That was why they needed teenagers. We still had to be able to have kids when we got there. One male and four females. We were just seen as breeding stock to some of the brass. Our academic specialties and innate talents would get us there, but our ability to build a colony was what they really cared about.

They didn't need someone who could fix the shuttle if anything went wrong during landing, they just needed warm bodies in the seats that could survive the trip.

I gave myself a mental shake and looked down at my drawings. I had sketched everything that was going on around me without paying any attention to my pencil. The sketches were separate but blended at the edges, like a storyboard for a movie. A moment in time recorded in graphite. Maybe they would add it to our files if I just left it here on the table. that seemed like something Ms. Adams would do.

There was a shuffling from the front of the room. It must be getting close to the time for us to go. Jennifer was standing in the circle of her parents' arms crying softly, Matt was holding Tammy's hand, and Shane was trying to comfort her mother who had broken down sobbing again in her husband's strong arms.

I left my drawings on the table and stood up. My palms were sweaty and my stomach had started doing flip-flops. I'd never been so nervous in my life.

The final hugs were given and everyone started to file outside, leaving us alone with two MPs and Ms.Adams.

The five of us stood facing each other in a circle. "I'll see you out there." Matt blew us a kiss and headed out the door. Followed by Tammy and Jennifer. Both of them still sniffling back the remains of tears.

Shane started to follow them and then stopped. She ran back and kissed me with all she had. I was too shocked at first to react. She broke the kiss and ran for the door, never looking back. Why had she kissed me like that? I blinked and started to follow her when Ms. Adams blocked my path.

"Amanda, can I talk to you for a minute?" Ms. Adams's voice held a note I'd never heard before. Somewhere between panic and anger.

"Of course." My calm words lying about my pounding heart. "What's up?"

"I need to go over a few last-minute procedures for the launch with you. We won't get a second chance at this. We've only got one reactor core with enough power to start your light drive once you pass Venus. It's a long way to Alpha Centauri." She wasn't telling me anything that I didn't know.

If our light drive didn't kick in at the right moment, it wouldn't be able to get us through the rest of the solar system without hitting something solid. If it only kicked in for a second, we could end up inside a planet or blitzed into tiny pieces through the asteroid belt. Neither option was good. And if it didn't start at all we would be stuck out there. Millions of miles from home and no way back. We had run the drills until they were muscle memory. The team at ISI had been through every scenario a million times and used multiple supercomputers to calculate our trajectory and speed.

We had a better than great chance of making it to our destination in one piece. What else was there to say?

"Ms. Adams, we all know what we have to do. You made sure of it. We will be fine." Her eyes held a sadness that I couldn't fathom. It made me want to cry, finally.

The ground rumbled under our feet. What the hell?

I tried to run for the door. Ms. Adams held my arm with more strength than I would have given her credit for. I jerked my arm away and ran out the door. The MPs weren't fast enough to stop me.

I reach the chainlink fence that surrounded the launchpad area just in time to see the shuttle lift off. The flames from the rocket boosters lit up the late evening sky enough to hide the stars. I sank to my knees as I watched the only true family I had leave this world and me behind. The tears I'd been holding back finally let loose.

Ms. Adams kneeled down in the dirt beside me. She no longer seemed to care about keeping up appearances. Her fitted red jacket was crumpled and covered in the dust that had been kicked up the launch. She folded her arms around me and held me while I cried.

"WHY?!" I screamed at her. "I don't understand."

"The team made a decision days ago. They came to me. They knew that you would never agree to stay if they asked you to. So they made the decision without you." She was crying again now too.

"But why?" I asked again. "Why would they go without me?"

"Because they wanted somebody to be here. Someone who could tell their story from their point of view. Someone who knew what it was like. ALL OF IT. Someone who could be here to make sure that the world didn't forget about them. That someone could tell their story. They wanted you to be the one that their families could come to. You knew them best. They gave you the job of protecting the people that they cared about most. YOU are their captain. Their families are now YOUR family."

As her words sank in so did the realization of what it meant. My team had given me the greatest gift they could. I would never be alone again.

We both stood up. I looked up at the receding rocket glare, no more than a pinpoint now. Just another star in the sky, and smiled through my tears. Maybe it wasn't so bad to be the one left behind.